I thought of it as an experiment. Who know what might happen? Well for starters, my friend communicates with me only through the networks. All his normal e-mail are forwards of movies, powerpoint presentations and “save the whales”  petitions. Every direct online communication goes through “that website” and “that website” sents me an e-mail telling me that my friend sent me an e-mail. How convenient.

My friend already made lot of new online friends. I haven’t gained one, although several potential friends have been knocking on my social networking door. They are all of the other sex. And their pictures always have a hint of….
Let me put it this way, what would you think if you saw a picture of a woman who is showing her belly, but hides her eyes behind a pair of sunglasses and her login name is Shady_Susan?

Not that i did not make any precautions. I uploaded a picture of my face (that alone should suffice). I added the loudest raunchiest rockbands in my favourite music list (which makes The Smiths stick out like a sore thumb) and also added that i am in a relationship. Why the hell would R&B loving Shady_Susan want to have anything to do with me? What more does she need to know to make her decide to leave me alone? That my girlfriend used to do Thai Boxing and that she will kick the shit out of both me and Shady_Susan if she ever layed a finger on me? Mind you, that would be the actual truth.

I made my first humble steps on the internet in 1994, by posting a question on the Peter Gabriel newsgroup on usenet. Five minutes later i got the answer from a guy from Canada. I will never forget the joy i felt on that moment. No longer would i have to go to a bar hoping to find a conversation partner who would at least have one thing in common with me. I just needed to hook up on the internet and i would find millions of people who shared my interests. And i did that a lot. I made friends that i still hold dear and contact on a regular basis.

So i don’t need a website to create a social network. I already did that all by myself. And the stupid thing is that social network websites neutralizes the main power of the internet. Because all those potential new “friends” picked me because of my location not because i shared an interest. And since you don’t share anything, conversations turn out to be lame at best.

In fourteen years time, the internet changed from an exciting place into a trailer park.

But who can i blame? Not the corporate bigshots and not Shady_Susan. I am the asshole here. I am the one who is running after every carrot that is dangling in front of my face. I could have been posting on my own freaking blog, i could have been recording radioshows that would entertain my real online friends. I chose to do this instead.

The only thing i can say, is that this also goes for most of my friends. All their blogs have died slow and silently. My inbox is receiving far more spam than e-mails from friends. We all are more interested in what we can get out of the internet than what we can put in. Maybe because we think that what we put in often isn’t worth much to begin with.

In 1994 i discovered the internet and it made me wonder what it would bring. I don’t want to think that it brought me Shady_Susan in the end. It is time to start blogging again and finally find a way to access my Freak Magnet gear more easily. It won’t mean much to the world, but it might mean something to the people i care about.

And when you get back home, there is the lighter
It was in your freaking pocket all the time

Now that really sucks

By the way, any “quit smoking” comments will be automatically deleted.

“Hello, dollev.

Thursday, October 23, 2008, 09:41:36 AM, you wrote:

> Hi
> I love you with all my heart and soul.
> I miss you so much.
> I send you my photo. Please do not show it to your family and friends.
> Many kisses, Your Love.

HI!
Super nice crazy f... foto  

Call me: 4871029

--
Best regards,
admin         mailto:admin@soweb.net"

I can't say that i can remember writing Admin or sending her
(please, let's assume that Admin is a she, work with me here) a picture.
But the thought is compelling. What if there is an Admin out there, just for me?

Techie chicks are something else. Admin for example, doesn't just attach her picture to
her e-mail. She put's it in a zip file first. Get it? She offers herself as a present,
but you need to know to find your way through a labyrinth of 0's and 1's to unwrap it.
It is a journey through a machine's galaxy that will lead you to the outer gates of her
inner cosmos. Do you know the feeling that you are looking forward to do something so
much that you postpone the moment for as long as possible? That is what i am going
through right now with Admin.

There a some things to consider though. I found out that Admin lives in China. How do
you maintain a relationship with someone who lives so far away? Should i learn to
speak Chinese and if so, what kind of Chinese? Should i become a member of the
Dutch Maoist communist party, assuming that there still is one?

Why do things get hopelessly complicated the minute you start to think about their consequenses?

I ended my first week as a gerbil with fourteen "fitness points", two more than i needed
for this week. Not bad. Maybe i will write a post for my fellow gerbils about music to spin or
bounce on.

Infact, it was the first time since Conny’s departure from this world that we had to go to the vet. There are so many “first times since” and they are always a bit emotional.

There was one practical problem. Conny had a car and a drivers license and i have neither. How to get your cat to the vet at the other side of town? By bicycle of course! So i put Sam in the travelling basket, hung the basket on the steer and off we went.

I thought it was a great idea! Sam did not agree. All the way he was making a racket.

MEOWWW, ROOAAAHHH!

And at every red traffic light the same thing would happen. Some lady would stop next to us and hear Sam.

MEOWWW, ROOAAAHHH!

“Is that your cááááát?”

“Yes he is.”

“He is so swéééét!”

“We are going to the vet.”

“That is so cúúúúúúte!”

I swear to god, if i ever get tired of being alone, i’m going to ride through town with Sam. If that won’t get me a date, nothing will.

It was about time. I’m in really poor health. I’m always out of breath when i run up the stairs. I can’t run 50 meters, even if it would save my life.

So i walk that treadmill and cycle that, err, “cycle” surrounded by people that are way older than me and in way better shape. And that’s okay! No, it’s even better. I’m having fun!

Who knew what a thrill it can be to walk that treadmill while listening to Radiohead. I love it.

In three months we’ll see if i made any improvements, at least my weight is perfect.

If only Conny could see me. She would have found this really funny.

I was invited there by my friend Guy, who has a knack of making me do stuff that i would never have done by myself. And as always with Guy, i was treated on a experience wthat i would not have wanted to miss for anything in the world. People from different parts of the world, with different beliefs as well, gathered together in a friendly and peaceful manner. There was a sort of “international solidarity vibe” there that i haven’t felt since the late 80′s. And even spiritual toddlers like myself were inspired by the stories that people told on the stage. For their beliefs, the Chinese government imprisoned, humiliated and tortured them, but it did not break them. If your beliefs and religion gives you strength enough to mentally survive that kind brutality, it deserves a lot of respect.

This picture was taken right after i arrived. I’m not sure if the people on the stage were Tibettans or Birmese, but the ritual was definitely Buddhist. The guys wearing the orange shirts are chanting a prair, while the guy in the white shirt is sort of painting and meditating at the same time. I was so overwhelmed by the whole thing, that i forgot to keep my camera straight.
On the left, you can see a little bit of a blue flag. This is the flag of the Islamic Uyghur people.

After that we heared a speech by a Birmese monk, who spoke about the situation in his country and how the Chinese could help through diplomacy to make Birma a more democratic country where human rights mean something.

In a sense China has gotten themselves in the same position as the U.S. On one hand they are criticized for occupying other nations and ignoring human rights, on the other hand they are seen as the country who can change things for the better in the world. It makes sense though. China could enhance their influence immensly, if it would trust themselves enough to embrace and spread freedom and democracy. Just ask yourself why we call the 20th century the American century and you know that it makes sense.

Here we see a Tibettan nun who was imprisoned by the Chinese government for twelve years. One of her crimes was wishing the Dalai Lama a long and healthy life. She was sentenced to four years in prison first, and when she repeated her wishes, eight more years were added. Guy told me that she also was forced to clean up human feces with her bare hands.

What hit me was that she stated that she had forgiven the people who improsened her, because they did not know what the situation in Tibet is like. Forgiveness is not only very nice and politically correct, it is also very powerful. Being able to forgive, allowed her to cast off the burden that was put on her by the Chinese regime. She moves on with her head up high, while the Chinese government remains stuck in the trench that they dugg themselves. The thing i wish the most for China, is leadership by someone who has the same strength and wisdom as this amazing lady.

Another lady amazed me too. She was standing next to us with her very thirsty dog. I bought the dog a bottle of water and the lady thanked me by giving me a big kiss on the cheek. That felt so good! Since Conny’s passing on, i need all the love i can get. And for some reason, i am getting loads of it.

This picture was taken during the finale of the demonstration. The guys on stage are about to sing the Tibettan anthem. They had to rely on motivation instead of skill and it all ended in a rather punkish way, with mics falling on the floor, which made the boys sing even louder.

I almost forgot to mention that there were two excellent singers on stage that afternoon. One of them was an Uyghurian singer and she blew me away. Her singing was opera and blues at the same time and although i could not understand a word, her voice really struck a chord with me in a big way. Pity she did only one set.

When it all ended, Guy and i hiked through Amsterdam for a couple of hours, while talking how amazing everything is. This afternoon, Amsterdam, human beings, and most of all life itself. After that we went to a Vietnamese restaurant in the very heart of the red light district. It won’t surprise you that we encountered several gorgeous women who promised to rock our world for a very small fee. And no, we did not take the bait. In fact it made me a bit nervous, i find it hard to feel at ease with the concept “sex for hire”. But in some way even those encounters fitted perfectly in this wonderful day.

Humans are amazing. No matter what gloom and doom you throw at them, they will find ways to overcome it. And when you put your heart into it, anyone of us can unlock treasures that you could not buy with all the money in the world. The only thing you need is the courage to love and trust your fellow man.

Come on China! Go for the kind of gold that lasts!

Saturday i bought twenty sunflowers for Conny’s grave. I can tell you that it is pretty hard work to carry those on one arme while cycling. But it is really nice to be able to see where she is from a distance. But i i have to admit that Conny’s grave is a bit out of tune with her neighbours.

It gets worse when you are standing right next to it. I’m not sure if the gentleman who is responsible for keeping the cemetery tidy will be happy with how i am taking care of this grave. I would not blame people if they would think that Pippi Longstocking was buried here. That would be kind of cool too, since Conny loved the Pippi series as a kid.

This is a picture of the Amsterdam Gate. It is called the Amsterdam Gate because when you walk through it and keep walking for about fifteen miles, you will end up in Amsterdam. Makes sense, does it not?

I had to be here for a little bit of social counseling that took place in a building right next to the gate. It did not take long, since i already had made an appointment with a psychlogist in the end of the month. Both the couselor and i decided that that should be more than enough to watch over my sanity.

The councelour did invite me to join a supportgroup of fellow widowers (that is the English word for male widow i hope. I don’t want to say something morbid by accident), which would start meeting next October. She did wonder if October would be too soon for me. Now, that freaked me out. What kind of guilt ridden depressions are still lying ahead of me? I really don’t mind to suddenly cry like an idiot in the supermarket when i hear a song like “Just call my name, i’ll be there”. What scares me is to get into a deep depression, not be able to sleep without taking pills or enormous amounts of alcohol. I’ve seen it first hand with my dad, that kind of misery literally kills people.

Thankfully i’m damn lucky to have friends. One of them pointed me in a direction that i would have never have taken if the circumstances were different. I could explain what, but you probably would think i lost my mind. It does not involve anything illegal, doing drugs or joining a sect, but it does involve faith. Not religion, faith.

And who is also been helping me out is Robert Llewllyn. His video blog llewtube has kept me entertained for the last two evenings. It’s fantastic if you can listen to someone talking about life on this planet like he can. And what an eyeopener it is to realize how much it helps to hear someone yapping about mundane stuff like windmills, good potatoes and trying to get through a year without buying new stuff. Thanks Robert.

PS: When i say it is mundane, i don’t mean mundane compared with pitiful me. It is however mundane compared to anyone who lead lives where food, water and proper sanitation are not something that speaks for itself. People who moan that they don’t have enough money to buy the latest iPod, are so damn lucky.  Robert knows this and pointed  that  out many, many times in his video blogs.

The difference of wealth between Bill Gates and me is nothing compared with the difference of wealth between me and 80% of the rest of the world population. I am so damn lucky to be living in one of the fifteen richest countries in the world.

The glass that you see on these doors are really close to what i would like to see for Conny’s monument.